In which I satirize the film “300″ in order to make a very important point.
With the latest poll from Gallup/Sparta Today showing Leonidas with a commanding lead over his rivals for his party’s nomination, some Spartans are beginning to feel that a sense of inevitability is building around Leonidas’ candidacy. Not so fast, say certain members of Leonidas’ own party, many of whom are concerned about Leonidas’ views on issues other than the war with Persia.
“He’s right on Persia, but so are all the other candidates,” said Spartan religious seer Dobsonopolis. “We Spartans aren’t just fighting a war against Xerxes, but a culture war at home that is equally important! Will Leonidas end the anti-life practice of leaving the Spartan young in the wilderness to die?!”
Dobsonopolis is referring to the age-old Spartan tradition of rejecting Spartan young who fail to meet certain physical qualifications, a practice increasingly opposed by Leonidas’ party. Leonidas has promised to let the people of Sparta decide whether to maintain this policy, though Leonidas admittedly personally supports the practice. His deference to the people isn’t good enough for some on this issue. Likewise, many Spartans are concerned about Leonidas’ position on sword control.
“Leonidas has a long history of being a sword grabber! He claims that only Spartans properly trained to fight should wield them!” argued the head of the Spartan Sword Association. Leonidas has promised not to implement the sword control policies he has supported in the past on a community-wide basis if elected, but again, this just isn’t good enough for some.
And then there’s Leonidas’ seeming disinterest in Mount Olympus.
“We have seen YouTube clips of Leonidas mocking the priests of the oracle!” exclaimed Perkinsopolis, head of Spartans for Families. “Leonidas is just too secular to lead Sparta! The man talks about logic and reason. But what about Zeus?! This party cannot exist without people of faith in the gods! Leonidas’ supporters are trying to push us out!!!”
But Leonidas’ only problems aren’t with Spartans on the Right. The Spartan Left is equally disdainful of Leonidas’ seemingly brash and hawkish policies.
“The man will stretch executive authority to its limits,” said one scruffy protestor. “He totally disregarded the Council’s authority to choose whether or not to declare war and, as a consequence, he got us into an illegal war with Xerxes! And all this time he said he was going out for ‘a walk’ when he took the troops out to the battlefield. Leonidas lied, Spartans died!!!”
“Not only is the man a war criminal, he’s a bigot!” said leftist leader Sharptoncles. “Leonidas discriminates between Spartans and hunchbacks. Are we going to turn the clock back in Sparta to a time when hunchbacks had to get to the back of the line?” Sharptoncles is referring to Leonidas’ decision to exclude a resident hunchback from the Spartan fighting force due to the applicant’s inability to meet the physical requirements. The SCLU has filed a lawsuit on behalf of the hunchback alleging due process and equal protection violations. “What about the right to a hearing, Leonidas?” Sharptoncles demanded.
When asked about these various charges by reporters, Leonidas, after unsheathing his sword and edging the reporters unnervingly close to the Bottomless Pit in the center of town, responded with only the words, “What! About! Sparta!”
Leonidas’ campaign staff later released the following statement: “Leonidas is respectful of the opinions of all Spartans. But as Leonidas himself has previously stated, Sparta’s 80 percent friend is not Sparta’s 20 percent enemy. Leonidas is the only candidate in the field who has demonstrated the ability to decisively win this war against Xerxes, the central issue of our time.”
Scoffing at this statement was conservative commentator D’Souzacles, who has been increasingly abandoned on the Spartan Right for his kind words about the Persians. “I mean, I can see why they call us barbarians,” said D’Souzacles. “We leave our young to die. We’ve lost all faith in the gods. When was the last time you heard anyone pray to Hermes? Forget Xerxes. What about Hermes? We’re focusing on the enemy abroad when we should be looking for the enemy at home!”
Given the opposition to Leonidas amongst Spartans, Xerxes is optimistic about Persian chances. “Spartans are divided and unfocused. That is good. They are right to reject Leonidas,” Xerxes said, surrounded by that dude with the crab arms and the guy with the goat head. “Leonidas asks Spartans to put aside petty differences, to prioritize, to reason, and to think. I ask them only…to kneel.”
